"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind" -Ralph Waldo Emerson
My 11th grade High School English Teacher used to make us write that on the top of every assignment and paper we had turned in since the beginning of the year. How do you define integrity of the mind at such a young age? I had assumed Emerson's advice was just to not go crazy. Only as I got older did I know about what the true integrity of one's mind means.
For the past 3 months, I was having an affair, and lied about it. I was so wrong to do so and lie to Meghan about it. Terribly and completely unfair to her. She called me a pathological liar multiple times during the course of our breakup, and I've begun to really explore what that means to me, other than the mere severity and harshness of those words. We all lie in many different ways and varying degrees. Whether we decide to give undeserved praise, or whether we convince ourselves that we are happy when deep down, we're not... We lie to others and ourselves to cope with guilt, and to avoid the consequences of our actions. This entry (and those that will follow) begins my process of self-exploration. Some say you need to see psychiatric help to get over your issues. I think the reason is that you need an outlet to discuss and impartially go through your thoughts with you. Talking to friends and writing about my feelings / interpreting my actions is my way of seeking that out right now. "It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution." I've lied to so many people about the situation, and through these entries, the truth will be displayed. My flaws and shortcomings exposed, and identified. I feel that only by openly acknowledging my problems and facing them head-on, will I find my way, my path to leading an honest life, and begin my journey towards healing and self-realization.
Why did I lie to Meghan about the affair? Fear. I had cowardly took the position of trying not to get caught, than to face the fact that I was falling out of love with her. After three and a half years, and all of our mutual friends, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth about my doubts and my insecurities regarding the longevity of our relationship. She had wanted marriage, children, or at least the promise that these things would be in our future together. I was unclear, unsure, and felt backed into a corner when the question was asked for the nth time in Japan, and I had finally replied "no". There were things about our relationship that I was always unsure of, and I think Meghan saw this too. We both wanted things to work so badly that I think we both convinced ourselves that everything was fine when it really wasn't. Letting a poignant argument, or destructive realization smooth over and be forgotten after a night's rest.
Lesson 1: Don't lie to yourself about thinking things are fine when your intuition clearly tells you otherwise.
One of my best friends, Aaron asked me if I thought it was self-destructive, the way I went about the last months of our relationship and my affair. Absolutely. I think I'd have rather taken the role of the antagonist and nurture the possibility of the worst situation, than simply come clean and tell her the truth early on. Building up my own personal punishment. Tormenting myself with lying to everyone, and trying to believe my own lies, too. I think I was literally trying my hardest to make myself crazy. So odd, in retrospect, why I would do that... I'm sure part of it was not wanting to get caught. I didn't want to hurt Meghan, but I still wanted to be happy. I wanted everyone to be happy. But at the same time, how to end things? Was I ready to destroy the otherwise outwardly seeming perfect life we'd created with each other? Could it be salvaged in time? Was there a possibility for salvation even after the affair started? By that time, I had already detached, both from Meghan, and myself and my own feelings. I didn't care anymore. I sought comfort elsewhere, and at the same time, was unable to quell the feeling of detachment from my core intuition. I felt lost, depressed.
Subconsciously, I think I wanted Meghan to find out. I never deleted e-mails, never deleted text messages... If I was a better liar, or more diligent about lying to her, maybe I would have. But I consciously chose not to. Maybe it was the guilt creeping in, or that I wanted to be found out. Maybe it was the apathy, and not caring. I was tired of it, exhausted of leading a double life. I had found someone that I was truly interested with and excited about, and I felt guilty for admitting it to her.
I worked for a place for 4.5 years doing non-profit work. After the 2nd year, I knew it wasn't the best working environment for me because of the working conditions and pay, but I had decided to stay and "fight the good fight". Out of a sense of obligation towards the social justice movement, I started building up a resentment towards that place, and started to look for ways to get out. I took classes at Art Center... I started looking for work... I was trying to inflate the raft before jumping ship... Parallel?
I want the people around me to be happy... I try to cushion the blow of bad news, of things people close to me don't want to hear. I truly care about others, and their feelings. A lot of times, I'll compromise my own happiness for the happiness of others. That's where I go wrong. The only thing it gives me is a sense of growing resentment both towards myself, and indirectly towards the other person. To quell that resentment, I think I subconsciously get back at them and myself by being self-destructive. By pursuing the things that make me happy and then trying to maintain some semblance of the way things should be. Deception.
More to come...
2 comments:
pathological
Main Entry:
path·o·log·i·cal
1: of or relating to pathology2: altered or caused by disease; also : indicative of disease3: being such to a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal
I think the term pathological was actually quite appropriate. I do believe that "being such to a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal". I think that is dead on.
I'm struggling to understand, to make sense of the situation. There are a couple of misrepresentations here.
First, the affair began before Japan. Japan was all about understanding eachother. We talked for days about what we wanted from life and how we felt about things. That day at hiroshima castle when we talked about how life was too short and we had to make sure that we did the things we wanted in the time we were given. You said you wanted time to do music and your work. I said I wanted to make sure I had children. You said they weren't mutually exclusive.
And you never mentioned that you were interested in someone else.
So, even as we were discussing going our separate ways, you misrepresented. I was perfectly clear that I was ok with us going our separate ways. I was sad, but I would be ok.
And you NEVER said "no" to the marriage question. You said "I don't know." No would have been the right answer and the best answer.
I'm not stupid. I saw the distance. But you kept telling me in was because you were working too hard. I saw things falling apart. You were not an easy person to live with. You were consumed with one project after another, and obviously pulling away. When I was sick and unable to get out of bed, you disappeared with a "dude, that sucks. I can't afford to get sick" and didn't really come home for more than a few hours for three days. That's not a relationship.
Traditionally, when I would bring up that I was unhappy, your answer had been "it's not always going to be like this" and my response was "if we have no future than what's the point in dealing with this now?" As things got worse, I struggled to justify it.
Second, You call it your personal punishment, but you were the one who was engaged in something new and exciting, and I was the one stuck at home sad and confused by your words. I could have been out there too. So who was punished?
Third, regarding emails and text messages. You did delete your emails, and you took your laptop everywhere with you. none of the messages you received were there. I only found some in your sent mail that you had clearly overlooked. You always had your phone and you were rarely home when I wasn't asleep. If think that is subconsiously trying to get caught, you're continuing to fool yourself.
You had every opportunity to be honest. We talked about things a BILLION times. You hid EVERYTHING. Remember the talk on new years eve? we discussed moving on. And you didn't even bring it up then. I wanted to go! I changed my profile to single, and you kept sucking me back into the void.
I know you tend to do things just because you've been doing them for a long time. You don't change easily. Where I try to move once a year and change jobs once every couple months, and change careers once every couple years, you tend to find a groove and stay in it. Like Sparc. Like IF. Like your economics degree. Even if you are uncomfortable, you stick with it because you feel you should or someone expects you to.
I really hate how you talk about torturing yourself. How is going out with someone new and having great sex torture? It's pure indulgence, without considering the consequences. You hurt me. You would never have hurt yourself if I hadn't forced you to admit your lies. You did exactly what you wanted and then continued to try to play the other side too. I didn't want to be in the role you cast me in, but you kept forcing me back into it. Just when I was detatching myself, you'd do something like the retarded valentine's day stunt. I told you as much. You can't keep trying to get close and pushing me away again. It was like continual rejection for 3 months! It could have happened just once and been done!
You have to quit hiding behind this making people happy crap. You know in your heart of hearts that I wasn't happy, and I wasn't going to be happy with an illusion. To say you were lying to make me happy is lying to yourself. "The heart wants what it wants" I can accept if it isn't me, but I can't accept that you FUCKED WITH MY HEAD.
I told you in our "nth conversation about marriage" that I wanted to "Move on in the relationship or move on." I said that I would rather be single and start over now than in another 2 years of uncertainty. I said as much a year previously too, but all you could give me was uncertainty, so I held on. I didn't want that! I just wanted to force you out of the groove! Force you to consiously make a decision about your life, and not just flow into whatever happened to come your way. Like when I said you should take classes at art center with me, or move to silverlake, or follow up with grant instead of continually bitch about how you didn't like what was going on. Push you to make a decison. I was pleased as shit when you finally seemed to have an answer besides "I don't know" for me, it's all your wavering as time went on that fucked it up.
Stop it. Stop hiding behind your upbringing and accept that your actions are your own. Don't just take the first thing that falls into your lap because it's easy and fun. Think about what you really want and who you are and what you need, then make YOUR (not anyone else's, or anyone else you can blame for its) decision and stick with it.
This shouldn't be for public consuption. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted the world to see that you weren't the sweetheart that you make yourself out to be. You're just another man who did a shitty thing and got caught. Who didn't have the balls to own up to what he was doing - pursuing his own happiness without concern for those around him. Forcing others to lie for him.
I'm trying to see the other side of you too. Trying to see you for a human being and not just a selfish man. But you haven't convinced me yet.
I think this is good in a way. We're presenting our arguments without getting involved with eachother. I would not want to have any conversations with you or be personally involved on any level, but I think it is helpful for both of us to sort through things and arrive at what really happened so we can both be cleansed and hopefully never find ourselves in the same situation.
Let me ask you one thing. What could I have done to have alleviated the situation? I feel like I was just manipulated until I finally said that it had to stop. How do you see my actions? You clearly know how I see yours.
真复杂，u r a real lier.
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